Tag: Blog

The windows

Published on by Anamika2 Comments

It was a lazy evening, I was sitting in my balcony with a cup of tea. I was very bored from sitting and moving inside the house all day. Also I got tired going through the same 4 apps, honestly going down the internet rabbit hole drains you mentally, I mean there’s so much unwanted info on the internet that you consume. I really need an internet detox.

Anyways continuing the balcony incident (just got carried away lol) so opposite to my house there’s this apartment complex, it’s not very close but close enough to see their windows and balconies. (Okay so I am no peeping Tom alright, I love observing)

As I was sipping my tea, I saw two kids (siblings I guess) were aggressively swinging on a rope tied on to the roof of their balcony, to say that they were mischievous would be the least. They were going about it for a solid 10-15 mins, that’s when their mother comes yelling from kitchen and takes them inside the house and slams the door shut. This was quite amusing.

That’s when I realized, every window there had a story. Next to those kid’s balcony I saw a cute couple taking pictures of the sunset and simply enjoying each other’s company. On the other I saw an old grandpa reading something with full concentration(he was really into it), and a grandma appeared from behind him and simply placed the tea cup on his arm rest. No words exchanged, they were so used to each other’s presence I could see it.

Every home has a story, what you see through these windows is just a glimpse of it. Some windows are aesthetically decorated, some are simple and plain, while some are filled with potted plants. All this says something about the people who live within.

Windows are beautiful isn’t it, even though every house in that apartment complex are identical architecturally, each an everyone of them has a unique story. And windows share a glimpse of it.

I miss her so much..

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I wish she was there with me today, I wish she got to see me grow up, I wish she was her right now, so I could tell her “Grandma I got the job, I am big girl now”

Growing up I had amazing relationship with my grandparents, especially my grandma. She was the sweetest person I knew. My friends who have met her fell in love with her sweet and kind personality.

These days I miss her way too much. Grandma has always been the one I went to for advice on anything and everything. I could talk to her without any fear, it just felt natural telling her all my problems. I miss those days when life was simple, coming back home from school to see mom and Grandma wait for me and I’d rant all that happened throughout the day.

Now that I think about it, I can’t really figure out when did things get so complicated. I mean it seems like yesterday when didn’t wake up in the morning not being anxious about how my day would be. I didn’t have think about consequences of decisions, no no wait I didn’t even have to take decisions ( those good old days)

I loved evenings those days when my grandma sat me down with chai (tea) in her hand and read me stories from books, we spoke about her childhood, school life, life as a mom etc and also helped me with homework. These days I am busy with assignments and test preparations in the evenings, I go to bed early because I have to wake up early for college. (Monotonous routine)

I wish she was here to greet me with her infectious smile when I was having a rough day at college, I wish she was here to see me graduate, get a job, start a life. I wish she was here to guide me. But she’s not

Grandma may not be here today but I am pretty sure her prayers are still protecting me today.

Storytime: I passed out during a rollercoaster ride and my friends thought I was dead!

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Where do I even begin, well this happened when I was in the 10 grade. Our school took us to an amusement park for picnic. People who know me, know that I am a scaredy cat and I am anything but adventurous, naturally I am terrified of rollercoasters. Although I haven’t actually sat on a rollercoaster before.

Pretty much every ride in the park seemed dangerous to me. I didn’t want to get on anything. But my friends somehow coaxed me to get on a rollercoaster, because they didn’t want me to sit alone when they were all having fun. So I was like fair enough, maybe I shouldn’t give into my fears and for once live a little.

So I agreed and stood in line with them, it wasn’t really long line so we got in pretty quickly. The thing is that it was the fastest rollercoaster in that park, and I had absolutely no idea about it.

We were the first ones in the second batch so we got to sit on the front seat, can you imagine being afraid of rollercoasters and sitting on the front seat, well that’s a recipe for disaster. As the rollercoaster began moving upwards I could feel a pit in my stomach. I could already feel that it was a bad idea. The coaster kept going up and up and up. Then it reached the highest point.

Wooshh! It went downwards in a blink of an eye, then sideways, then upside down and then up again. I felt like I was in a huge washing machine. My head was spinning, heart was racing my life up until then flashed before me. I thought I was dead to be honest. I don’t remember anything after that.

When the ride got over the staff unbuckled us and we had to leave but I was not getting up and my friends freaked out, one of them really thought I was dead and started to cry. After vigorously shaking me some more times, I woke up. Phew, everyone was relieved and we had a group hug moved out of the way for other people, who seemed to be genuinely concerned. Well after that we went in for less scary rides.

It was the most exciting at same time terrifying thing I have ever experienced. But now, let’s just say I don’t do rollercoasters anymore.

Nightmares, insomnia and more..

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Well well well, if it’s not my paranoid conscious mind projecting it’s fears on to my subconscious mind.

For the past one year I’ve been constantly having nightmares. I have difficulty sleeping for long duration, usually I wake up in the middle of the night or sometimes several times a night. I don’t how to explain but I feel a little out of place in my life.

Last year wasn’t one of my best years to be honest, I wasn’t myself, low self-esteem, and my tendency to people please was all time high. As a result I started hating myself more, because since I wasn’t myself and also I was trying so hard, I was attracting the wrong kind of people in my life.

This is my biggest regret, because I compromised my mental health and values by having these people in my life just because I didn’t want to be lonely. So I lost respect for myself, and believe me it’s miserable having to live like that.

All these things haunt me at night, all the things I should have said, all those times I didn’t stand up for what I believe in, all the things I ignored when I shouldn’t have.

Now I can’t completely cut them off immediately but I have learnt that I need to detach my self emotionally from them. I have taken my first step and reduced my interactions with them. I am learning how to set boundaries and reduce my dependence on them.

A video that helped me understand all this was that of Nathaniel Drew, he explained how the overrated advice of “be yourself” has much more deeper meaning and impact on our lives.

All I want to say is that don’t try to be something you are not just to keep certain people in your life, and from my experience I can tell you that, it’s definitely not worth it.

P.S I am planning to post some storytimes on my blog next. So umm… stick around if you love storytimes.

I drank lemon water in a copper glass and it was a disaster!!

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I am trying to make the best possible use of this quarantine, so I’ve been working out, taking care of my skin & hair and also improving my diet.

I haven’t eaten junk food since March, and I am trying to eat as clean as possible. So I started doing some research online and found out that drinking a glass lemon water in the morning helps to flush out all the toxins. So I decided to give it a try.

The very next day I made myself a glass of lemon water in a copper glass (huge mistake) but before I could drink it my dog was whining so I decided to take him out to pee and poop. I came back maybe after 30 minutes, and drank the lemon water.

I cannot describe in words what followed next, it was scary as hell. My head was spinning, I felt nauseous, my stomach started to hurt, I had to run to the toilet to throw up. All this happened in a span of 1-2 minutes of drinking that water.

I’ve never been so scared in my life, my mom didn’t know what to do either, she was scared too. So I looked it up online, lo and behold what did I find. ‘Any type of citrus juice should not be consumed in a copper utensil, because the citrus acid reacts with copper and it’s dangerous’

Reading this made it even worse, because going to hospital during a pandemic is in itself a scary idea. So I kept drinking water and peeing trying to filter everything out. After 2-3 hours I started feeling better but there was a metallic taste in my mouth which lasted till the end of the day.

Well next day I woke up fine had no tummy issue or any metallic taste in my mouth and I was relieved that it got better.

Well if I had paid attention during chemistry classes in school I would not have to go through this horrendous experience.

The closure I needed but never got

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I was going through some of the old chats in my phone and I realized I haven’t been in touch with my high school friends for months now. We used to be inseparable in school. We did everything together, learned about new stuff, great experiences, went through puberty, being each other’s cheerleaders, I mean we’ve been through a lot of shit together. But now even starting a conversation with them is a little awkward.

I get it that we chose different paths after school, but I always pictured us to maintain the BFF (Best Friends Forever) bond that we always bragged about.

I don’t know if it’s relatable but it really hurts to see people that were once so important to me, doing just fine without me. It made me question my worth, like am I that replaceable?

It took me a while to adjust in college, meeting new people & socializing just fueled my social anxiety. As you get older, making friends becomes significantly difficult at least that was my experience.

While I was struggling in college, my friend’s instagram stories made it worse and I felt left out. Well I’ll admit I was being childish and was most certainly projecting my fears. But these rational thoughts didn’t help me feel any better.

I was happy for them, but I feared that we’d drift apart. And my fears came true. In the beginning we’d update about our respective lives on our group chat, gradually it started to reduce, we’d text regularly but not as much. We planned to meet at least once in 2 months since we are in the same city, well that reduced to meeting on each other’s birthday.

Well now we don’t really meet on birthdays either, but do text each other sometimes.

I have accepted that this is life, it’s about my journey. I am grateful that I met them, things they taught me, the memories we made. All that helped me evolve as a person.

But it also taught me that relationships have to flow naturally, I cannot hold on to something just because we have history. They were a part of my childhood, it was beautiful but then we grew up and that’s how it is.

There’s no love lost though, even if we aren’t in contact as much I still do love them but I have to let go.

Binge watched ‘Storytime’ on YouTube till 4 a.m

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A few nights ago I was binge watching storytimes on YouTube. You know the one were people talk about the crazy shit that has happened to them. I watched stories of crazy neighbors, weird roommates, criminal neighbors ,vengeful ex. You name it I have seen it lol.

Some of them were fake and I knew it, but most of them were legit, because they have live footage of it happening.

My favorite one’s are that of crazy neighbors, seriously after watching those storytimes I am actually grateful for having unproblematic neighbors.

So the story that kept me all night is of a YouTuber Tara Michelle. It wasn’t one video but a series of videos where she’s talking about her crazy neighbor, at first it sounds too absurd to be true. I mean it literally feels like reality tv show type thing. But as I saw more videos with live footage, I was shocked like this is real life.

I find it straight up crazy that people have dealt some weird movie type shit in life and just watching them talk about it feels like I am involved somehow.

What makes these videos so popular is that it creates this emotional connection between the creator and the viewers. While some viewers might relate others are exposed to a new experience. It feels like you are catching up with a long lost friend on her life.

I really miss chatting with my girls after our college hours. We’d simply sit at the canteen eating and just talking things that are going on in our lives. But now due to Corona everyone has pretty much the same routine and nothing new. So these videos distract me from my monotonous routine I guess.

I mean at the end of the day who doesn’t like a little story time.

Starting afresh

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Honestly I started this blog as a personal dairy where I’d share my thoughts, experiences and just life things in general. I’ve always loved reading personal blogs where a person writes about their day, their jobs and such stuff. Some people might find it boring and mundane but I for one love it.

It’s a form of escapism I guess where I am trying to forget my problems.

I suffer from anxiety and I wanted to share my stories here without the fear of being judged, but instead I became even more conscious about my blog posts. I kept on re-reading them again and again just to make sure I don’t make a fool out of myself, tried to make them as perfect as possible finding the perfect picture for the blog and never being satisfied with the title. All this became exhausting and it started to feel like my school assignments which I hated btw.

This is how I have been living my whole life. I take things way too seriously and never actually enjoy anything.

I love to write because I can express my self better in writing than oral communication, but because I was stressing about my posts being perfect, it just sucked the fun out of it. So I started procrastinating in order to avoid it. That made me feel even worse

#Millenniallifecrisis is my inspiration, she’s funny, sarcastic and intelligent. I love to read her posts, it’s so personal and her stories are really entertaining.

I’ve just started blogging I don’t know a lot about it. I want to write about things that make me happy and not force my self to write about certain topics just to get views.

One thing I can tell for sure is that I am going to keep this blog simple and raw. I am going to talk about how I survived my college years with general anxiety and social anxiety. Things I learned about people, friendships and lot more.

Also I am a sucker for good artwork be it movies, books or music videos, so you can expect one or two appreciation posts.

I hope you guys would want to be a part of this journey with me. If yes please do follow me and press that like button, its always nice to get some validation 🙂

Okay so that’s it for now, hope to see you for my next post, byeee ❤

One epic life

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To live is the rarest thing in the world, most people exist, that is all.
– Oscar wilde

Yeah that’s right, I am one of those ‘most people‘ Oscar Wilde is talking about. I live my dream life in my head but lack the courage to chase after it. Most of you must know at least one person who sticks with the safest route, avoids trying anything new, gets severe anxiety in unfamiliar situations, that’s exactly how I live or rather exist. I’ve never actually lived my life only survived it.

This monotonous routine often makes me depressed and question my existence.I lay in my bed at night regretting every opportunity I missed. Living with regret is the worst feeling ever and to make things worse my brain is constantly churning out ‘what if’ scenarios.

What if I hadn’t backed out from that trip? What if I had appeared for that competitive exam I spent a year preparing for? What if I hadn’t chickened out from a conversation with my crush?  (well that’s an embarrassing story for another time) Ughh! I don’t know what would have happened if, but all I know it was worth taking the risk.

I stuck with safe options because I thought nothing would ever go wrong. My perspective changed when I met my now best friend.

Her personality is exact opposite of mine. She is spontaneous, cheerful, extroverted and has very little regrets in life. In one of our deep conversation sessions she said one thing that stuck with me “we take decisions thinking they are right, wanting them to be right but  it’s beyond our control to have predicted the end result” A weight was lifted off my chest. All my life I was obsessed with being perfect, waiting for the perfect moment to do stuff so that nothing goes wrong. But what I didn’t realize was that, even safe options fail so might as well take that risk.

Now I know that there’s a whole world with endless possibilities waiting for me, there’s so much I haven’t seen or experienced, great cities, their culture, art, food, music and yes of course people. Maybe I’ll meet a lot of interesting ones who’ll completely change my perspective on certain matters, some of them may become life lessons and perhaps a few of them will stay in my life forever. 

You might think that these are just things I hope and wish would happen. Well life is anything but predictable that doesn’t mean we can’t hope for a better tomorrow, after all, hopes and dreams are what keeps us going.

It’s just one life, just one, so make sure it’s an epic one.