Tag: blogging

Silence Secrets and Shadows

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Who is she, a question I can’t seem to find an answer to. Well, I’d be lying if I said I didn’t know her. As a matter of fact her and I have been in this silent, very one sided relationship for almost three years now. However, do I truly know her? Her name, home, and birthday remain a mystery to me. Maybe our connection is merely based on the comfort of familiarity and nothing more. There’s pain written all over that little face of hers, but from the looks of it she’s going to take it to the grave with her. All I’ve ever wanted is to take some of her pain and swallow it, just to see her smile. Comfort her I never could, but she stood with me like an anchor when I went through hell and back. She saw me go from a fragile little girl to this thick skinned woman that I am today. All I ask is for her to let me in, just once. As I stand there with my heart aching for her, I feel a drop of tear roll down my cheek. Memories rush through my mind with the speed of light. Then, like a powerful train, it hits me. I finally realize who she is. It is ME. They say mirrors don’t lie, but I am not convinced. These mirrors are deceitful little creatures, and the image that reflects from it is not me, it could never be. Standing in front of these deceitful little creatures I feel all of my hopes dreams and desires gliding down my cheeks. How, when , why ? words that haunt my sleep deprived self. – Resh

The windows

Published on by Anamika2 Comments

It was a lazy evening, I was sitting in my balcony with a cup of tea. I was very bored from sitting and moving inside the house all day. Also I got tired going through the same 4 apps, honestly going down the internet rabbit hole drains you mentally, I mean there’s so much unwanted info on the internet that you consume. I really need an internet detox.

Anyways continuing the balcony incident (just got carried away lol) so opposite to my house there’s this apartment complex, it’s not very close but close enough to see their windows and balconies. (Okay so I am no peeping Tom alright, I love observing)

As I was sipping my tea, I saw two kids (siblings I guess) were aggressively swinging on a rope tied on to the roof of their balcony, to say that they were mischievous would be the least. They were going about it for a solid 10-15 mins, that’s when their mother comes yelling from kitchen and takes them inside the house and slams the door shut. This was quite amusing.

That’s when I realized, every window there had a story. Next to those kid’s balcony I saw a cute couple taking pictures of the sunset and simply enjoying each other’s company. On the other I saw an old grandpa reading something with full concentration(he was really into it), and a grandma appeared from behind him and simply placed the tea cup on his arm rest. No words exchanged, they were so used to each other’s presence I could see it.

Every home has a story, what you see through these windows is just a glimpse of it. Some windows are aesthetically decorated, some are simple and plain, while some are filled with potted plants. All this says something about the people who live within.

Windows are beautiful isn’t it, even though every house in that apartment complex are identical architecturally, each an everyone of them has a unique story. And windows share a glimpse of it.

I miss her so much..

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I wish she was there with me today, I wish she got to see me grow up, I wish she was her right now, so I could tell her “Grandma I got the job, I am big girl now”

Growing up I had amazing relationship with my grandparents, especially my grandma. She was the sweetest person I knew. My friends who have met her fell in love with her sweet and kind personality.

These days I miss her way too much. Grandma has always been the one I went to for advice on anything and everything. I could talk to her without any fear, it just felt natural telling her all my problems. I miss those days when life was simple, coming back home from school to see mom and Grandma wait for me and I’d rant all that happened throughout the day.

Now that I think about it, I can’t really figure out when did things get so complicated. I mean it seems like yesterday when didn’t wake up in the morning not being anxious about how my day would be. I didn’t have think about consequences of decisions, no no wait I didn’t even have to take decisions ( those good old days)

I loved evenings those days when my grandma sat me down with chai (tea) in her hand and read me stories from books, we spoke about her childhood, school life, life as a mom etc and also helped me with homework. These days I am busy with assignments and test preparations in the evenings, I go to bed early because I have to wake up early for college. (Monotonous routine)

I wish she was here to greet me with her infectious smile when I was having a rough day at college, I wish she was here to see me graduate, get a job, start a life. I wish she was here to guide me. But she’s not

Grandma may not be here today but I am pretty sure her prayers are still protecting me today.

Storytime: I passed out during a rollercoaster ride and my friends thought I was dead!

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Where do I even begin, well this happened when I was in the 10 grade. Our school took us to an amusement park for picnic. People who know me, know that I am a scaredy cat and I am anything but adventurous, naturally I am terrified of rollercoasters. Although I haven’t actually sat on a rollercoaster before.

Pretty much every ride in the park seemed dangerous to me. I didn’t want to get on anything. But my friends somehow coaxed me to get on a rollercoaster, because they didn’t want me to sit alone when they were all having fun. So I was like fair enough, maybe I shouldn’t give into my fears and for once live a little.

So I agreed and stood in line with them, it wasn’t really long line so we got in pretty quickly. The thing is that it was the fastest rollercoaster in that park, and I had absolutely no idea about it.

We were the first ones in the second batch so we got to sit on the front seat, can you imagine being afraid of rollercoasters and sitting on the front seat, well that’s a recipe for disaster. As the rollercoaster began moving upwards I could feel a pit in my stomach. I could already feel that it was a bad idea. The coaster kept going up and up and up. Then it reached the highest point.

Wooshh! It went downwards in a blink of an eye, then sideways, then upside down and then up again. I felt like I was in a huge washing machine. My head was spinning, heart was racing my life up until then flashed before me. I thought I was dead to be honest. I don’t remember anything after that.

When the ride got over the staff unbuckled us and we had to leave but I was not getting up and my friends freaked out, one of them really thought I was dead and started to cry. After vigorously shaking me some more times, I woke up. Phew, everyone was relieved and we had a group hug moved out of the way for other people, who seemed to be genuinely concerned. Well after that we went in for less scary rides.

It was the most exciting at same time terrifying thing I have ever experienced. But now, let’s just say I don’t do rollercoasters anymore.

Nightmares, insomnia and more..

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Well well well, if it’s not my paranoid conscious mind projecting it’s fears on to my subconscious mind.

For the past one year I’ve been constantly having nightmares. I have difficulty sleeping for long duration, usually I wake up in the middle of the night or sometimes several times a night. I don’t how to explain but I feel a little out of place in my life.

Last year wasn’t one of my best years to be honest, I wasn’t myself, low self-esteem, and my tendency to people please was all time high. As a result I started hating myself more, because since I wasn’t myself and also I was trying so hard, I was attracting the wrong kind of people in my life.

This is my biggest regret, because I compromised my mental health and values by having these people in my life just because I didn’t want to be lonely. So I lost respect for myself, and believe me it’s miserable having to live like that.

All these things haunt me at night, all the things I should have said, all those times I didn’t stand up for what I believe in, all the things I ignored when I shouldn’t have.

Now I can’t completely cut them off immediately but I have learnt that I need to detach my self emotionally from them. I have taken my first step and reduced my interactions with them. I am learning how to set boundaries and reduce my dependence on them.

A video that helped me understand all this was that of Nathaniel Drew, he explained how the overrated advice of “be yourself” has much more deeper meaning and impact on our lives.

All I want to say is that don’t try to be something you are not just to keep certain people in your life, and from my experience I can tell you that, it’s definitely not worth it.

P.S I am planning to post some storytimes on my blog next. So umm… stick around if you love storytimes.

I drank lemon water in a copper glass and it was a disaster!!

Published on by Anamika1 Comment

I am trying to make the best possible use of this quarantine, so I’ve been working out, taking care of my skin & hair and also improving my diet.

I haven’t eaten junk food since March, and I am trying to eat as clean as possible. So I started doing some research online and found out that drinking a glass lemon water in the morning helps to flush out all the toxins. So I decided to give it a try.

The very next day I made myself a glass of lemon water in a copper glass (huge mistake) but before I could drink it my dog was whining so I decided to take him out to pee and poop. I came back maybe after 30 minutes, and drank the lemon water.

I cannot describe in words what followed next, it was scary as hell. My head was spinning, I felt nauseous, my stomach started to hurt, I had to run to the toilet to throw up. All this happened in a span of 1-2 minutes of drinking that water.

I’ve never been so scared in my life, my mom didn’t know what to do either, she was scared too. So I looked it up online, lo and behold what did I find. ‘Any type of citrus juice should not be consumed in a copper utensil, because the citrus acid reacts with copper and it’s dangerous’

Reading this made it even worse, because going to hospital during a pandemic is in itself a scary idea. So I kept drinking water and peeing trying to filter everything out. After 2-3 hours I started feeling better but there was a metallic taste in my mouth which lasted till the end of the day.

Well next day I woke up fine had no tummy issue or any metallic taste in my mouth and I was relieved that it got better.

Well if I had paid attention during chemistry classes in school I would not have to go through this horrendous experience.

Binge watched ‘Storytime’ on YouTube till 4 a.m

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A few nights ago I was binge watching storytimes on YouTube. You know the one were people talk about the crazy shit that has happened to them. I watched stories of crazy neighbors, weird roommates, criminal neighbors ,vengeful ex. You name it I have seen it lol.

Some of them were fake and I knew it, but most of them were legit, because they have live footage of it happening.

My favorite one’s are that of crazy neighbors, seriously after watching those storytimes I am actually grateful for having unproblematic neighbors.

So the story that kept me all night is of a YouTuber Tara Michelle. It wasn’t one video but a series of videos where she’s talking about her crazy neighbor, at first it sounds too absurd to be true. I mean it literally feels like reality tv show type thing. But as I saw more videos with live footage, I was shocked like this is real life.

I find it straight up crazy that people have dealt some weird movie type shit in life and just watching them talk about it feels like I am involved somehow.

What makes these videos so popular is that it creates this emotional connection between the creator and the viewers. While some viewers might relate others are exposed to a new experience. It feels like you are catching up with a long lost friend on her life.

I really miss chatting with my girls after our college hours. We’d simply sit at the canteen eating and just talking things that are going on in our lives. But now due to Corona everyone has pretty much the same routine and nothing new. So these videos distract me from my monotonous routine I guess.

I mean at the end of the day who doesn’t like a little story time.

Coping with a Panic attack at 1 am

Published on by Anamika2 Comments

Last night I had a bad panic attack and was having a hard time calming myself down. My brain was churning out thoughts at a speed of about 400 km/ph (at least that’s what it felt like)

Laying in bed at 1 a.m. I am hyperventilating and absolutely helpless. I want to stop worrying but I just can’t, it’s like I’ve lost control over my mind. It’s not that I am worrying about one specific thing, instead my brain is attacking me from different directions by throwing countless intrusive thoughts all at once to overwhelm me.

I tried deep breathing which reduced my hyperventilation to some extent but my mind was still spiraling. I haven’t had a panic attack this bad for quite some time so I was kind of unprepared to deal with this.

I literally google my way through life. From checking spellings and meanings to cooking, google has always been a helpful friend. Naturally I decided to turn to it for help

I skimmed through a bunch of websites which showed the same generic techniques that apparently calms mind. These techniques were like, ‘just breathe’ or something like ‘take a warm bath’. The thing is it’s 1 a.m. I am tired and can barely move but even if I did decide to take a warm bath it would wake my family so it didn’t seem practical.

That’s when I discovered these three techniques that helped me calm down and eventually sleep. Let me tell one thing, these things worked for me but it may not work for everyone. You can try them and if it works for you great! I am happy I could help but if it doesn’t then keep looking for the one that helps you (also mention your personal techniques down in the comments so that it helps someone who needs it)

ASMR. Autonomous Sensory Meridian Response(ASMR) is a relaxing and tingly sensation that you feel on your scalp or the back of your neck (that’s where I feel) when you listen to certain sounds like tapping, crinkling of paper etc. This technique works like magic. I mean it just triggers all of the right nerves and helps to instantly calm down the mind. There are a lot of asmr videos on YouTube, try different videos and find out what suits you the best.

Aesthetic / A Simple day in my life vlogs. These are not those vlogs where the youtuber wakes up and jumps into action. No no no, instead these are slower paced vlogs where usually the youtuber never talks but casually goes about their normal day. The reason I find these videos so relaxing is because it reflects the simplicity of life. Since the narrator isn’t talking you start focusing on the background sounds, like the chirping of the birds or the sound of vegetables being cut against a cutting pad, it just shows that life doesn’t necessarily have to be complicated to be happy. I have watched Japanese and Korean vlogs they are really calm and aesthetic.

Last but not the least

Spotify. For me listening to music has always been a therapeutic experience. While traveling to and fro from college in a crowded bus, music has always been my savior. So here I am not talking about songs, I am talking about instrumental music. I feel when we listen to songs our brain puts in extra effort to understand and retain the lyrics, but when we are trying to calm our minds our brain which is already overwhelmed with thoughts should have minimal job to do. These instrumental music just flows throughout your body and it really calms down the restless mind.

So these are the three things that helped me sleep peacefully last night. To be honest I thought I’d stay awake the the whole night, because even closing my eyelids felt like a chore at one point, but eventually I did get a good night’s sleep and that’s what matters.

Starting afresh

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Honestly I started this blog as a personal dairy where I’d share my thoughts, experiences and just life things in general. I’ve always loved reading personal blogs where a person writes about their day, their jobs and such stuff. Some people might find it boring and mundane but I for one love it.

It’s a form of escapism I guess where I am trying to forget my problems.

I suffer from anxiety and I wanted to share my stories here without the fear of being judged, but instead I became even more conscious about my blog posts. I kept on re-reading them again and again just to make sure I don’t make a fool out of myself, tried to make them as perfect as possible finding the perfect picture for the blog and never being satisfied with the title. All this became exhausting and it started to feel like my school assignments which I hated btw.

This is how I have been living my whole life. I take things way too seriously and never actually enjoy anything.

I love to write because I can express my self better in writing than oral communication, but because I was stressing about my posts being perfect, it just sucked the fun out of it. So I started procrastinating in order to avoid it. That made me feel even worse

#Millenniallifecrisis is my inspiration, she’s funny, sarcastic and intelligent. I love to read her posts, it’s so personal and her stories are really entertaining.

I’ve just started blogging I don’t know a lot about it. I want to write about things that make me happy and not force my self to write about certain topics just to get views.

One thing I can tell for sure is that I am going to keep this blog simple and raw. I am going to talk about how I survived my college years with general anxiety and social anxiety. Things I learned about people, friendships and lot more.

Also I am a sucker for good artwork be it movies, books or music videos, so you can expect one or two appreciation posts.

I hope you guys would want to be a part of this journey with me. If yes please do follow me and press that like button, its always nice to get some validation 🙂

Okay so that’s it for now, hope to see you for my next post, byeee ❤