Tag: Self love

Silence Secrets and Shadows

Published on by AnamikaLeave a comment
Who is she, a question I can’t seem to find an answer to. Well, I’d be lying if I said I didn’t know her. As a matter of fact her and I have been in this silent, very one sided relationship for almost three years now. However, do I truly know her? Her name, home, and birthday remain a mystery to me. Maybe our connection is merely based on the comfort of familiarity and nothing more. There’s pain written all over that little face of hers, but from the looks of it she’s going to take it to the grave with her. All I’ve ever wanted is to take some of her pain and swallow it, just to see her smile. Comfort her I never could, but she stood with me like an anchor when I went through hell and back. She saw me go from a fragile little girl to this thick skinned woman that I am today. All I ask is for her to let me in, just once. As I stand there with my heart aching for her, I feel a drop of tear roll down my cheek. Memories rush through my mind with the speed of light. Then, like a powerful train, it hits me. I finally realize who she is. It is ME. They say mirrors don’t lie, but I am not convinced. These mirrors are deceitful little creatures, and the image that reflects from it is not me, it could never be. Standing in front of these deceitful little creatures I feel all of my hopes dreams and desires gliding down my cheeks. How, when , why ? words that haunt my sleep deprived self. – Resh

The closure I needed but never got

Published on by Anamika5 Comments

I was going through some of the old chats in my phone and I realized I haven’t been in touch with my high school friends for months now. We used to be inseparable in school. We did everything together, learned about new stuff, great experiences, went through puberty, being each other’s cheerleaders, I mean we’ve been through a lot of shit together. But now even starting a conversation with them is a little awkward.

I get it that we chose different paths after school, but I always pictured us to maintain the BFF (Best Friends Forever) bond that we always bragged about.

I don’t know if it’s relatable but it really hurts to see people that were once so important to me, doing just fine without me. It made me question my worth, like am I that replaceable?

It took me a while to adjust in college, meeting new people & socializing just fueled my social anxiety. As you get older, making friends becomes significantly difficult at least that was my experience.

While I was struggling in college, my friend’s instagram stories made it worse and I felt left out. Well I’ll admit I was being childish and was most certainly projecting my fears. But these rational thoughts didn’t help me feel any better.

I was happy for them, but I feared that we’d drift apart. And my fears came true. In the beginning we’d update about our respective lives on our group chat, gradually it started to reduce, we’d text regularly but not as much. We planned to meet at least once in 2 months since we are in the same city, well that reduced to meeting on each other’s birthday.

Well now we don’t really meet on birthdays either, but do text each other sometimes.

I have accepted that this is life, it’s about my journey. I am grateful that I met them, things they taught me, the memories we made. All that helped me evolve as a person.

But it also taught me that relationships have to flow naturally, I cannot hold on to something just because we have history. They were a part of my childhood, it was beautiful but then we grew up and that’s how it is.

There’s no love lost though, even if we aren’t in contact as much I still do love them but I have to let go.

Finding the calm in the chaos

Published on by AnamikaLeave a comment
Credits: Unsplash

If you have watched the sky just minutes before sunset, then we can agree without a doubt that it is the epitome of beauty. Being in the presence of one of nature’s masterpieces, has helped in calming my anxious mind. I can’t stop but admire the beautiful mix of colours lighting up the sky.

I’ve always enjoyed simply sitting back and observing, people going about their lives, animals doing their thing, birds flying ever so high with not a care in the world and the glorious sunset. Ahh! miss those good old days.

Gradually it became difficult to find time for my favorite pastime. Life just got busy, and I didn’t even realize it. Traveling to and fro from university would be the only time I was free, but traveling in crowded bus didn’t really help.

This pandemic struck the world out of the blue and just like that there was so much uncertainty everywhere. I had absolutely no idea what was going to happen next and let’s just say my anxiety went from bad to worse. Having  dealt with anxiety on a daily basis, I realized that it really helps to have a proper plan about anything and everything.
But now those plans have become impractical. All of a sudden I have too much free time and not much to do.

That’s when I rediscovered my favorite old hobby. Every evening I would go onto the terrace and watch how the sky would explode into beautiful shades of colours just minutes before the sunset, birds flying back to their nests, few people walking their dogs, roads being almost deserted, trees casually swaying with the wind and and above all there was this alluring silence. Something I haven’t felt in ages, silence. We live in a world that is constantly in motion. So naturally I  became accustomed to the constant chaos around me. All this definitely took a toll on my mental health and unkowningly I left it unchecked all this while. Ultimately it lead to a burnout.

One good thing that came out of this quarantine is that I learnt my lesson, it’s very important to take a break from this busy lives that we lead, recharge our mental as well as emotional health, because at the end of the day we are humans and not robots. The irony is that it took a pandemic for me to focus on my mental health.